how i change
Hey there, long time no see.
I just randomly realized that I have a blog as well, and damn, what a time. Also, yeah I pretty much have ADHD I suppose. Not that I think I need to do something about it (apart from being careful about ending up not doing stuff when I need to be doing stuff). I get distracted so so easily. Also yeah Modern Family is such a fun show to watch. Anyways, yeah, so I randomly recalled that I have a blog, tbh not so random, I was looking at a portfolio website of this guy(rocktimsaikia) and I liked it and wanted to have that design as my website and saw that he had a blog and that is how I recollected.
Anyways, so I came to this blog and saw all my old posts and also the posts that never made it (like "No More Swimming", which actually made me dive deeper into Hunter S. Thompson quotes and rn I'm going to try to make an API for it and the first step is going to be to collect material for it.) So yeah that is that. Again, ADHD moment, I stopped writing and added the images and put captions to them, then was talking to friends who came into my room (these guys are up studying for the coming end terms, I should be too, but I am not worried for some reason.)
Again, moving on, my life has changed a lot, I have changed a lot. I want / don't want certain things in a different way than I used to. And putting it like this, of course this was bound to happen, but it wasn't supposed to happen to all the things as well, especially like my relationships with certain people. But I am but a slave of myself. Who I am everyday is someone not in my direct control. That's something I have not thought about until now. Interesting, might dwell on for the coming few years passively. Sort of this was the most important thing that was bugging my mind that I had to write down. But really, I have changed a lot from the last time I was writing these posts. I don't spend as much time with myself. And to be honest, I have been happier, lol, but it is the sort of mindless type of complacent happiness that I used to associate with the rest of the world. So maybe I am becoming one of them. I didn't want to. What could have caused this? Was it the drugs? They seemed harmless enough and even though it might seem like I consume more of them as compared to my counterparts (I am by no means the one who smokes it the most but I am decently enthusiastic about it as well.) If not drugs then what, the onward marching and passage of time that does not stop for anyone? The maturity of the years I spend living? The trips to new places that I made? The fights I have had with those close to me? The way those were resolved? The so many interactions with people I have been having? I have become much more social than I used to and I would say that has contributed to some sort of increase in overall happiness in my life. What else could it be, idk. Anyways, btw I dropped acid for the first time a few months ago and it was great in terms of physical stimulation (sight, feel, touch) but no life changing thoughts yet. But yeah, this aspect of me having tried drugs to a good extent is also one of the things that might have contributed to my change. Again, I don't know. After all, who am I? When I think about thinking who I am, who is thinking? My brain? Is that me? Am I the thoughts in my brain, am I the body? What am I?
Sigh.
I have changed, and I won't say for the better, but I wouldn't say there's anything to regret about this either, but I feel that in the way that I would not regret being anything at all to be honest. Unless it's something pretty darn shitty lol. Well, atleast there's a lot of things that have stayed constant in my life as well though. I still love clouds, and my dream is to fly a jetpack one day. I still love my material possessions very much, and surprisingly enough it's again a pair of slippers (the new white clogs that are barely visible at the bottom of the image after this chunk of text), and the electric guitar I have purchased that I have been wanting for so long but finally ordered. I won't get to play that guitar till I get home though, it still has to be shipped by the dude who owns it (I'm buying a used guitar from someone who put it up on bajaao.com). It's not the color I want but it is the price I want and having a guitar is more important to me than having "the" guitar. Running quite low on funds too rn, need to do something about that, gotta really take another look at my expenses, it's going crazy. Plus I think there's some issue on dad's end cuz he's not that fluid with sending money anymore and well, if he could just help me out these next 3-4 months till I finally start getting my paycheck it would be great.  | ||
| a picture of me when I saw the shadow of my face. for some reason it fascinated me while I was drunk during the party. |
Anyways, this has been sort of a life update here. I have missed out on a lot of things, I have put too many words on things that didn't need them and too little on things that did. But that is the point. This is just the flow of my thougths. I am so glad I learned to touch type because I would not be able to so easily note down my thoughts if I was going to be bottlenecked by my typing speed. It's just a neat addition that I think makes me a better writer. Oh lol yeah I think I'm a good writer, but I don't think I care for a career in writing anymore ever since ChatGPT has come around and made LLMs so popular. Now come to think of it, I am slowly if ever turning into one of those people who believe AI will take away jobs, and I mean, it will take away these things from life, and to be honest I am not so sure how I feel about it. I used to be one of those who just laughed smugly inside and judge the other person so hard when they would say something like this. But now there's Dall E and Midjourney that are making art like never before, chatGPT and other LLMs that are just changing so much, and just just so many other generative AI technologies that I'm not even keeping up. Maybe there is actually a dystopia in the future where human creativity has died due to lack of capitalistic value for it since a robot can do it all: Walk, talk, draw, paint, sing, even act like it cares like a fuckboy or a desperate lover. Anything is possible. Do I dread it? Surprisingly the way my heart is beating it does seem so. But I woudn't miss it for the world. Or you know, it won't be such a dystopia. Maybe humans would work on actual issues and actually become an inter galactic species and shit.
It's five thirty in the morning right now, I should go to sleep.
Goodnight.
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| average sunrise from the plane window enjoyer |
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